


Extracts from Jack's Diary.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-25
Updated: 2012-01-25
Packaged: 2017-10-30 02:48:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A short crack piece I wrote some time ago.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Extracts from Jack's Diary.

**Author's Note:**

> A short crack piece I wrote some time ago.

.

 

Had a restless night. Ianto snores and also insists on lying on top of my legs. Got up at 3am with numb legs. Fell down and banged my nose on a Cabinet. Massive and unexpected nose bleed. Wondered briefly if likely to bleed to death from nose. Alas no. Never died from a nose bleed yet. Ianto awoke and slipped on blood and banged his nose on my elbow and had a massive nose bleed. Surprisingly exciting.

Note: Must remember to move cabinet.

Note 2: Blood is not a good lube. Ought to be----but isn't. Messy.

Reports came in mid morning about a Weevil stealing washing. Went with Gwen to investigate. Weevil is stealing only women's underwear. Drove around looking for Weevil wearing a bra and panties before got a report of a large hairy creature eating fries in MacDonalds and wearing a pink bra and yellow panties. Police had surrounded MacDonalds and there was an huge crowd. As we approached there was a shout from the crowd of "here's Torchwood--they'll get it" or something like that anyhow. So much for secrecy.

Gwen lured the Weevil out of MacDonalds by waving a bra at it. Evidently she always has spare underwear with her. Women can be strange. In fact--the older I get the more strange they become. Might be me, of course. but I don't think so. I wasn't wearing any underwear. It's cheaper not to. I hate spending money. Especially my own.

Tosh reckons it is going to rain on Friday. She is trying a new way of forecasting the weather. It involves something or other plus bits of cloth hanging everywhere with pins stuck in them. Owen walked into one and ended up with a pin in his ear. Apart from the blood it was quite attractive. Owen was not amused.

Ianto has been clearing a cabinet down near the cells. He keeps bringing things into my office saying "what the fuck use is this?" and other similar remarks. He found my collection of Mars Bars and was disgusted. I agreed that some of them were moldy but they all have such meaning for me that I can't throw them away. I tried to explain this simple fact to Ianto. He was amazingly angry about it. He seemed very cross that I didn't eat the Mars Bars and just kept the wrappers. I told him I don't like Mars Bars. He sighed and said "oh I give up''----whatever that meant.

I admit it. I hate throwing things away. You never know when something will be useful. Of course, I can never find anything that might be useful because Ianto keeps tidying up. I know I had a mint copy of "Lady Chatterley's Mother" someplace, but I can't find it now. Ianto insists that it's called "Lady Chatterley's Lover" but in the one I had it was definitely Mother. It was about incest, I think.

Owen sent out for Pizza and mine had anchovies. I hate anchovies. I think he did it on purpose. I had to pick them off. Ianto ate his and all mine too. Tosh kept saying ''it was a waste of food and what about people starving?" I said they can have my anchovies. Tosh said I was hard and unsympathetic and went and hung up some more cloth with pins in. I think she said if it is going to rain the pins will go green---or something like that.

After lunch I sent Tosh, Owen and Gwen out to Caerleon. Nothing was happening there but I told them there had been a report of a giant spider and I had had orders from ABOVE to deal with it quietly. It was all rubbish that I made up as I went along. Ianto and I were down below, naked, when they came back. They had caught an enormous spider in Caerleon. It was green and furry. It is in a cell now. I think it's asleep. Evidently it eats birds. It was eating a crow when they caught it. They all seemed very surprized when I said I had no idea where it had come from. They have such faith in me. It's very touching.

Note: Foreplay is out. Fuck and go.

Later we had Chinese. I can't manage chopsticks. They all use them efficiently. I don't care. I just don't care. I'm in charge. Why use sticks when you can use a spoon? Tosh said some birds can use sticks to poke at worms hiding in holes. I least, I think that's what she said. I was watching Ianto eat at the time. He has great lips and a great tongue. Owen said he was going home now as he had a date and nothing was happening anyhow. Gwen said she had to go to Tesco. I like Tesco myself. I had a fantastic time there once with 3 guys and a box of melting ice-cream. Tosh said she had to check on her cloths and then she was going, if I didn't mind. I didn't. Mind.

Ianto said he wasn't staying one more night in my revolting bed and that I had to come to his place. So I did. Come, I mean. In his place. Then we ate 16 donuts. I had 9 and Ianto had 7. Writing this up while Ianto throws up. What a waste of donuts. One good thing about living a long time--you can eat 9 donuts and not throw up. I will not throw up---I will not throw up----

 

THE END.


End file.
